Let’s have a chat shall we? Let’s talk about 50 shades of Grey, or as I like to refer to it “Twilight: Sexcapades”. Am I the only one who noticed that this book is completely, 100% sex+ hella more sex with Twilights story line?? For those of you who don’t know this book started off on some website as twilight fan fiction (hence the UNDENIABLE parallels between the two) anyways, that’s not my main issue. My main issue is every single time I log onto Facebook or instagram I see some poor soul sucked into the shit show that is 50 shades. Do yourself a favor and save your 12$ for something better at Target. The only people impressed by this book are
A. Uneducated in what good literature actually is. (and I can totally understand the need for a trashy read, but this is 6 week old baby diaper trashy read)
C. Have a not so awesome sex life, mainly consisting of im sure missionary, and this is how they express themselves sexually.
BUT CHEYENNE! He ties her up! He blind folds her!
This is NOT hard core S&M. That’s 1st grade sex!
You might wonder how I was tricked, no, bamboozled into reading this poor example of a book. It all started when it was on the NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLERS (WTF) so I said “self, let’s give it a try. Apparently there is some crazy S&M dominatrix bullshit” here we go reading on okay…shy girl, overly attractive man…alright first sex scene here we go…
“my inner goddess is doing cart wheels wearing a pink boa”
“he’s going down there”
“my hands are tied behind my back”
Are you excited yet? Because I sure as hell am not. ANYONE who refers to themselves as “inner goddess” or their vagina/clitoris, in what is suppose to be a romance novel, as “down there” needs to hit the drawing boards again.
S&M? I was expecting, sex swings, hard core anal (sorry mom), OR AT LEAST a little electroshock therapy. I mean come on. Don’t rope me in here talking about “dominatrix and the experience between a dominant and his submissive” and then talk about skipping through rows of flowers and sunshine dust. Tying up and blindfolding with a spank here and there? THAT’S what you’ve got for me 50 shades? 50 shades of bullshit is more like it.
Now, let’s address the roller coaster of emotions that is Christian Grey. In my mind, Christian is an ego maniac, little weiner possessing, short man syndrome having asshole who probably drives a lifted red truck. That’s what you want me to find attractive? A man who loves his lady because she reminds him of his crack whore mother? Soooo turned on right now.
People of the world, save yourself the trouble and go read “See Spot Run” because you’ll be getting essentially the same amount of brain stimulation all while saving yourself some time.
Katy Perry wins the olympic gold medal for WORST taste in men. Congrats Katy. You follow the likes of Rhianna, Elizabeth Taylor and Pamela Anderson.
Series 1 Episode 1 of things that grind my gears.
I’m sorry, but someone explain to me what the hell a hipster is? Because so far I’m getting some loser who doesn’t know who or what they want to be so they just take a mish-mash of a bunch of shit, and usually designer, and throw it together and say “hey world! This is me!”. I’m also getting a slight vibe they want to be considered “cool” or “new age” let me tell you something dipshit, it is not “cool” nor is it “new age” to shave half your freaking head, or grow a homeless beard, or wear those stupid glasses that aren’t real.
Oh, but you’re so cool and mainstream that us normal folks can’t understand your angst and individuality? Let me tell ya something buddy, you can take you angst and “individuality” and shove it right up your more than likely bleached asshole.
Taking a bunch of shit and throwing it together doesn’t make you cool, it makes you look like the 3 year old mommy let dress themselves for preschool.
So all you “hipsters” out there, I got my eye on you and I am not fooled nor impressed by your lack of individuality.
Where do I even start? I don’t think heart broken truly does my feelings justice. Devestated? Crushed? More disappointed than when I didn’t get the barbie who rides a bicycle for Christmas one year? (thats a level 9.8 on the disappointment scale BDUBS.). No, I am utterly, whole heart and soul, stuck under a boulder, can’t breathe or see, lost in the darkness of my sorrow over this recent event. For those of you living under a rock, Kristen Stewart has commited the ultimate crime against humanity and cheated on the beloved Robert Pattinson. I know. I know. Let the cries of why’s and oh my’s begin. When this first was brought to my attention I thought to myself, “self, there is no way in hell KStew has allowed herself to be photographed in such a compromising position. It must be photoshopped this will blow over quicker than Tom Cruise and Katie Holm’s diovorce settlement.” But no. I quickly learned how very wrong I was. These photos were in fact real and here to stay.
As many people I have never been a HUGE KStew fan, probably the buckey tooth beaver teeth thing she’s got going on. But in the wake of tradgey surrounding one of my favorite books and movies I was willing to go to battle for her. Willing to throw myself into the fire that would be preteen RPats obsessed little girls (and maybe some little boys) around the world. Well she sure made sure that if she was going to fuck this up she was going to FUCK IT UP. HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO DEFEND YOU KRISTEN STEWART!!!???? HOW!!!!!! You know what, I can’t. If it had been oh say….Liam Hemsworth….or maybe Ryan Gossling, even if it had been A WOMAN (mila kunis heyyyy) I could have stuck up for her. Maybe Rob is gone a lot, maybe the sex just ain’t what it use to be or even further maybe they just have grown apart and she can’t end it. Sure KStew I can feel for you, I can back you up to a hoard of little girls with garlic cloves and pitch forks. But no, she decides a MARRIED man with TWO children is the road she wants to go down. NOT EVEN AN ATTRACTIVE MARRIED MAN.(Luke Bryan, yum.) Really? FUCKING REALLY KSTEW?! What in the good Lord’s name were you thinking? Thats right. You weren’t. You weren’t fucking thinking. And now you’ve just gone ahead and fucked it all up. I haven’t been this disappointed since Ryan Gossling and Rachel McAdams broke up. Not only did KStew slap Rob in the face, she’s slapped me in the face. And thats something I can never forgive. Little girls around the world, I release you upon buckey tooth beaver bitch.